A three-hour tour...A three hour tour...
I've decided to take a bit of a break from GH because as you know, I am borderline manic on saying how horrible I think the writing/pacing/editing has been. My parting shot shall be a nice timeline of the BORING BOAT TOUR for your enjoyment. Maybe you can read this instead of watching GH today. By the way, never fear, I will put up comments so people can still discuss the show.
Let us begin. Remember, this was supposed to be a 'few hours' for Matt's celebratory party. When Spin rowed up to the boat with Maxie he actually said "It's 1/2 hour LATE returning". That means what? 4 hours tops? (we of course have seen it for at least a week or more making it's painful journey even worse). In one portion of the "night" the following happened:
Monday, October 17th1. Patrick tells Matt about the party. Matt, Liz, Olivia, Patrick, Steve and Robin all climb aboard. They have time for a little song on deck and some munchies. Matt gets a call from Dad. Patrick and Matt fight about their issues. Liz draws a portrait on a napkin..meanwhile..
2. Lisa appears in her underwear in Johnny's apartment..she stabs him with a paralyzing drug. She goes to the dock... attacks Anthony Z with a board and throws him into the water. Next time we see her she's skulking around with a pocket full of needles. ON THE BOAT.
3. Maxie's in a panic looking for the boat... AZ rises up from the water and she saves him. He lays there for awhile-- can't move much..and the next time we see him--HE'S ON THE BOAT. I think he was even dry by that time. Anthony threatens Lisa and then...disappears.
4. Olivia and Steve go off to have sex...then go off naked and jump in the water for a swim. Then go to have sex again but she gets dizzy. Patrick and Robin go and have sex in a cabin. Matt and Liz argue, she gets injected by Lisa, who throws her over. By the time we see Liz again, she's washed up on Spoon Island. Must have been a big current.
5. Spin finds Maxie!! They row out to the middle of the "harbor" in the dark and she blathers on for what seems like a whole show. Then the boat malfunctions but they get to Spoon Island. They get off the rowboat, go and explore Wyndemere...see some lights and hear some spooky stuff. Walk around, banter..yada yada.
6. Lisa manages to kill the captain and a steward. (I don't think this giant boat has anyone else running it but them??) She also manages to inject Patrick, haul his 200 pound life-less body out of the shower and tie him up all while Robin is getting a snack. She then manages to tie up Robin to a chair.
7. Matt? Oh, he's had his 99th bottle of champagne and is singing in the lounge by himself. I bet he had to pee in there somewhere! In Sex Central, think Steve sings Olivia another song and has a naughty Nashville flashback.
8. What is this!!? Anthony is back on DRY LAND, on the dock when Johnny comes walking up in a sweater asking what's going on. WOW..some fast acting paralysis there. Not even a headache!!
9. Maxie and Spin have managed to get the boat going and row back OUT TO THE BOAT (in the pitch dark) where she climbs up the hanging ladder?
10. Olivia fixes the giant boat motor but is fainting in the process. Steve's off getting a first aid kit (while never hearing or seeing anything or anyone else on the cruise).
11 Back in the Stateroom from Hell, Robin watches in horror as Lisa taunts Patrick with her HIV blood. Struggle..struggle... wham bam.. Lisa runs, Robin gets Patrick untied and goes after her. Tussle Tussle on the deck (where no one is) and Robin gets knocked down. Fade to Lisa's face (this was yesterday).
Tuesday, October 25th12. Oh, by the way, Spinelli in his bid for the Olympic crewing team, rows BACK to Spoon Island and finds a lifeless Liz who was put there by some person we saw the shoulder of. He wasn't even panting hard.
Johnny, paralyzed and cured all within 3-4 hours!
Excuse me while I hurl. Not even the Toxic Ball story was as poorly edited/executed. Even the month long Black and White Ball was more exciting. I watch One Life to Live which actually wanted me to believe in time travel. I get that soaps are "fantasy". This? This is another example of cheap sets, shoddy writing and lazy storytelling. Of course, the HoneyMoon From Hell is also going on which is another snoozer so I'm book-ended by misery. See why I need a break? I'm glad some of you seem to be enjoying this. I just-- can't deal.
Photo of Maxie on October 17 after she realizes she "Missed the boat"...
My face every day since then.